From the journal of James Cohen, Somewhere around April 12

Somewhere around April 12, 2017

     I'm pretty sure that I am going to live. It has been somewhere around 3 days and I really thought I was going to join my beautiful Dorris almost every minute of that time. I barely slept or kept anything down and the few minutes of sleep I did get, I dreamed about eating people. It was like my brain was trying to prepare me for what I might become. I even dreamed that I was the one who got bit by Norman and attacked Dorris when I came back. In the dream, I had no memory of who she was when I first turned into on of those things. All I saw was fresh meat and I was starving. When I jumped her, her hand tasted like the best prime rib and if I hadn't woke up, I don't know if she would have been able to kill me. I might have dreamed about killing her and eating her. I cried and dry heaved for an hour after I woke up because I knew it really wasn't her who had bitten me. It made me feel less guilty about having been the one to put her down.
     But instead of dying, I have slowly gotten better. I still feel like shit and have a cough. My hand is almost back to normal size and the bite looks like a nasty bite, but is not oozing gross stuff anymore. I am also starting to get an appetite back, so the food we got at that last gas station won't last much longer. I am going to have to decide what I am going to do. If I am going to live, do I want to live without Dorris? Should I just kill myself and stay with her? Or should I keep going and keep living? After 20 years with her by my side, do I want to go on without her?

     I remember when we got married. We were so young and in love and wouldn't listen to anyone about how hard life was. We used every last cent we had to buy our first rig and started our life together on the road. And yes, everyone was right. It was really hard, but we had each other and it was enough. We scrimped and saved and lived in our rig, even on our days off, for years. Eventually, we bought a house to make our stops at and we treated it like our vacation home, while our rig was our home. And even though we were never blessed with the children we both wanted, we still had a full life together.
     I think I will take Tricksey out and make some food and think...

     It has been almost 4 hours. I took Tricksey out and she ran around peeing on every tree and blade of grass. Then she rolled on the grass and got me to play with her with a stick. It made me think about how hard Dorris would laugh when she would pick up the smallest twig to play with. Dorris loved our little dogs, she called them our babies. We always had at least one and more often than not, we would have more like 3.

 She would make them little clothes for when it was cold and little beds and blankets with their names on them. Dorris kept the little quilts, too. She kept saying she was going to make a memorial quilt out of them some day, I guess that day will never come now.
     Dorris wouldn't want me to give up and die and let Tricksey die too. I am going to have to find the strength to go on without the love of my life and it is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done.

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